11 Blurbs for Magnet by Adam Green
The Government (My conversation with Obama)
Firstly I feel indifferent about the government, so you can imagine that I was surprised when Freedom Williams called out of the blue saying Obama wants to get me on the horn! Me and the government have had very little dialogue for the past few weeks, but still I am thankful that I don’t live in England because their government is far worse than ours. God created America I believe in hopes that we could solve the drug-problem. But I find it’s a hard issue to tackle when I’m constantly touring. I called Obama last month and I said “Why is President’s day a national holiday when people don’t even get the day off work when they’re actually supposed to vote for the Prez?” And he said, “because the American government is imperialist towards it’s own people.” So then he fired off a list of pro-rated salaries saying he gets paid so little for doing his job as president for example if he worked at a Boston Market in Honduras he’d make half-as-much but the quality of life there is better he said. He said that the amount he got paid for being the Prez was unconscionable.
Jazz vs. Punk
There is a war between Jazz and Punk. People say that there are approximately 22 million jazz-songs in the world… but as of 2010 it is considered fact that there are 23 million punk-songs! So the crust-punks say that the jazz-songs are easier to write because the jazzers just make them up on the spot. But the jazzbo will quickly retort that the punk-songs take no skill or talent to write.
Scum
I find myself trying to clean the scum off the streets. There is a class of people who are total scum. Sometimes they are in it for themselves and other times they act as the executor of someone else’s master plan. Either way when you walk around the city you can witness these seedy scoundrels who prey on those who aren’t willing to put up the fight. I’ve had these scumbags curse at me for not getting excited when they fan their disgusting plumage at me. They come up to me when I’m trying to chill in Chinatown and start peacocking to my face.
The other night I got into a staring contest with some low-life who was doing a tough-love shtick while simultaneously trying to orchestrate a business deal with me. While I admire Jack Daniel’s for his great skill as a businessman, it’s funny to me that the biggest scumbags are corporate-exec types. This particular class of scum operate on such a low-level that they will attempt to suffocate you with their pseudo-passions. Trying to approximate the vigor of an entrepreneur, they will chain you to a post and rape you for their bosses. They are high on head-pats… Trapped in a dog-dream wherein the pet suddenly overtakes his master
It’s so hard to clean up the scum because it’s illegal to kill these people and they aren’t always criminals. There is nothing exciting about scumbags, however they can approximate the emotional cues that are commonly associated with excitement. Please remember that these bottom-feeders are rotten to the inner-core. The scumbag is essentially a person who’s soul is a fart. Like the dragon who steals the princess and the gold, the scumbag will do anything to acquire and then protect things that they have virtually no use for.
Lolitas
When people say that your girlfriend looks like she’s 16… that is a GOOD thing! I often find myself getting all mixed up with Lolitas. I don’t know if it’s because they are so compelling, or perhaps carousing with Lolitas appeals to my vanity. I can sometimes spend weeks pampering these little girls only to find out that they are nothing but twerps in the end. Essentially, a Lolita is predator who charms you with her appetite for sweets and her other kitten-like “eccentricities.” She’s looking to let somebody down, and do it in a sexy way. Note: Beware of grown-women who impersonate Lolitas because they are gold-diggers.
Eva Green
If Eva Green wanted to marry me wouldn’t that be a strange coincidence? We would still be Adam and Eva Green of course, but do you think that she would actually try to seduce me? I invited her to my concert once but she probably thought that I wouldn’t be good. She is known for her bad-manners so I doubt that my parents would be enticed because who needs people like that in your life? Still I think it would be nice if we could have some private time to hold each other despite the fact that she might be annoying. Where would I take her on a date you ask? I’d take her to Amsterdam because that’s a good place to walk around where we could have some drinks. After I won her over it would be nighttime so she would probably give me a hand-job on a bench in secret. But the whole time she would know how hard it is for touring musicians to keep a steady girlfriend so there would be no pressure.
Antifolk
People want to know what Antifolk is so: It’s a company started by Daniel Johnston which employs folksingers and rich-kids. Everybody used to sing around the piano and do cover-songs, but now that The Moldy Peaches are famous the emphasis is on stand-up comedy and mime. Musicians like Ish Marquez and Turner Cody sing parody songs, spoofs, and satires while onlookers like Devendra Banhart from Little Joy throw coins into the tip-jar. The biggest star is Adam Green’s wife Binki Shapiro who is also a hostess there. Her uncle is the novelty-comedian Rick Shapiro who has two or three gags which never get old. Occasionally a newcomer like Daniel Bernstein, Darwin Deez, or Toby Goodshank will get a chance to sing… but usually a big-shot like Regina Spektor will grab the mic away and never give it back. Now that Seth Hebert from Dufus is gonna buy the club, we can only expect that it will be a shadow of it’s former glory before long. Psyche.
The Lake Room
The Lake Room is an online newspaper periodical that I’ve been publishing ever since I quit show business in the autumn of 2008. It’s an international website for high-class gawkers who like to surf the net. I invented the page so that people could get accurate information on Hollywood and as a platform to review new products that I personally endorse. From what I understand it is a website that people view in secret which I assume is because they must be masturbating to it.
The Lake Room encourages people to stalk me but that doesn’t seem to have any effect on my career. While I’ve never been involved in an internet scandal, I probably will be soon if I continue to do this website. It is supposedly the top website that people go to. Visit it at:
www.TheLakeRoom.com
New York City
New York City is a terrific hub for posers and saps who be gettin’ real sentimental lately! The island of Manhattan has always been a trap for middle-class kids who are forced to live outside their financial means. Essentially the city is a giant shopping mall and the only reason I like it is because I’m ridiculous.
If the average person spent 5 weeks in New York City, they would probably attribute some sort of magical quality to the place. However people who grow up in New York don’t even believe in magic! Sometimes I pretend I’m a wayward-traveler who comes from “the land of the big buildings,” but this is simply myself being silly.
My grandfather was born on a farm in Brooklyn where they sold marijuana in pushcarts. He’s now 100 yrs. old and owns the last egg-cream stand in Brooklyn. I dream of opening up some businesses of my own in NYC… mainly a capsule-hotel in Union Square and a vegetarian-cannibal restaurant in Nolita.
Groundhog Day/Girls With Attitude
Girls With Attitude is a Canadian supergroup produced by Bill Murray. He wrote most of their songs when he was filming Groundhog Day 4 however they weren’t released until Groundhog Day 8. In Groundhog Day 8 he has six girls with Natalie Portman’s character from The Professional 4. Basically Harold Ramis directed it so that Groundhog Day 8 and The Professional 4 are essentially the same film and it bears both titles.
In the movie, the six girls start a band called Girls With Attitude and they become one of the most popular bands each Groundhog Day which keeps repeating throughout the movie. I love their song “A Fun Time is a Great Time” and I use it as intro-music before I play a concert. I’ve hung out with Bill Murray a little bit and he gave me pretty good advice. He’s a nice guy who bought ethical mousetraps for my mom at The Museum of Natural History. I would like to do the soundtrack for Groundhog Day 9 or Weekend at Bernie’s 3.
Bisexuality
My bisexuality started in the 9th grade when I blew 30 guys at a poetry reading. After that I dated a girl from the Philippines with a face like badly baked bread. Her name was Rebecca and she was bisexual as well. The most difficult thing about being bisexual is having gay sex and also how people bully you. My grandfather offered me $20,000 to stop being bisexual, but that’s like asking me not to be famous.
Infamy
If I die during this record-cycle, I hope that people will not try and pretend that I was a good person. Everything I did was because I hated God. When I wasn’t being an asshole to you directly, I was googling myself on the internet like an arrogant prick. I only made music to make you feel bad that you didn’t have any talent. I probably bossed you around and paid you money just to do stupid things that amused me. If something good happened in your life I didn’t care about it. At best it could be said that I did everything just to get laid, but the truth is that it’s because I was bored and that’s worse.
